Proverbial Family: Enjoying Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19

Yep. You heard it. Straight from the mouth of wisdom. A man is to enjoy his wife’s body. But don’t fret women. You, as the loving hind and graceful doe, are also a part of this mutual venture in sexual intimacy.

Blessedrejoicesatisfyexhilarated…. now there’s some enlightening words about sexual intimacy.

And breasts….we’re not supposed to talk about such things, right? Have you read the Song of Solomon? And, aren’t we all adults here, so why are some of you blushing? Why am I blushing?

I know. It’s not something us Christians so readily talk about openly but shouldn’t it be? I mean, maybe it’s not a bad thing that we find ourselves blushing, but if we’re really wanting to encourage each other to build strong marriages, shouldn’t we be willing to be frank and honest about one of the most significant roots to a thriving marriage? We don’t have to be provocative and explicit in our discussions, but with sound judgement, we can share wisdom to encourage strong sexual bonds between husbands and wives.

Because if scripture doesn’t shy away from the subject of sexual intimacy, neither should we. It’s God’s blessing of marriage, the rejoicing of two being one, the satisfying of desires, and the exhilaration of passionate love. It is something to be celebrated, cherished, and enjoyed between two devoted people.

So, let’s breech that discussion and focus on some ways you and your spouse can experience the fullness of enjoying sexual intimacy.

  • Build up the mood – Anyone who’s been married for a period of time knows that sexual intimacy is not just about the act of having sex. In fact, there are those that are offended if you call it anything other than making love. Why? Because they understand there’s more to it than a physical act. To get that exhilarating experience, mood (among other things) is a key factor. It’s a constant wooing of playful gestures, inside jokes, delaying gratification, flirty looks, and lustful thoughts of each other. It’s dates, music, dancing, laughing, touching, caressing, kissing — whatever is enjoyable together to lure you to the marriage bed; but NEVER, under any circumstances, involving another person or pornograghy.
  • Learn each other’s love language – Along with mood, if you really want to get that full, all encompassing sexual experience, then there has to be an emotional connection. Learning to speak each other’s love language will contribute leaps and bounds to this. We all have different things that make us tick and feel important. Maximizing on those areas will create connection. What’s most important to your spouse: spending quality time together, acts of service, thoughful gifts, words of affirmation, or physical touch? These are love languanges defined by Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages. I highly recommend reading this book and also His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Jr. Harley. These will help you gain a better understanding on what it means to sacrificially pursue actions that will create a deep sense of connection with your spouse.
  • Make it safe to be vunerable – There’s nothing like having that one person you can be completely vunerable with, especially sexually. Being able to express yourself in a way you can’t with anyone else is what draws couples even closer together. But, because we can be afraid to freely express our desires, likes, dislikes, and struggles out of fear of a negative reaction or judgement, each person has to work at helping the other feel safe in doing that. That means you listen without judgement, never demeaning someone’s feelings no matter how silly they seem to you. It’s being able to lovingly give and receive critcism. Being open to trying new things, but respecting boundaries when one is uncomfortable. It’s communicating your deepest desires and greatest struggles to the person who is your partner. It’s mutually respecting each individual’s body, thoughts, and opinions and never pressuring them into something that goes against their conscience. It’s building trust over time through sacrifices, consideration, and patience with each other.
  • Make time together a priority – The very core of making this all work will revolve around time. You WILL NOT…I repeat…you WILL NOT have enjoyable sexual intimacy if you don’t make time for it. Yes, there are so many things to do in a day, but if you are constantly too tired to pursue this important part of your relationship, then you are too busy. While saying yes to so many other things, you are in essence saying no to your marriage. I know, we all have kids to raise, but if their extracurricular activities are taking over your time with your spouse, you need to do some re-evaluating because one day those kids will be gone, and where will your marriage be at then? And yes, there are so many ways you can be serving others, but if that service is sacrificing much needed alone time with your partner, then what good are you doing others if your marriage is suffering? We all have obstacles and challenges — health, small children, aging parents, etc. — and it’s a constant balancing act, but you have to be determined to do your best to make time for sexual intimacy a priority in your marriage.
  • Work at it – After everything I’ve mentioned here, you may be thinking, “Wow! This sounds like a whole lot of work!” And you would be totally right. You see, we don’t live in the movies where everything is always romance and roses. That’s a false facade of the real world. We are real couples who have to learn to build real lives together day in and day out. Enjoying sexual intimacy is no cake walk but working at it can be so rewarding. No, every sexual encounter will not be explosively satisfying, yet if two people desire to draw closer and closer in this way, they will have many gratifying experiences together that will keep them coming back for more. So, work at it with all the suggestions I’ve made here, but also by the counsel of others. Obviously, women should counsel women and men should counsel men, but there’s also some credible resources and books that teach on sexual intimacy. Two women’s blogs I follow on this subject are Intimacy in Marriage and Hot, Holy, & Humorous. Some people may find their material to be too blunt, but I have found these sites to be great resources that are very passionate about supporting the enjoyment and specialness for which God created sexual intimacy in marriage.

Well, I did it. I breeched the subject with hopefully no rotten tomatoes being thrown at me or no heresy being spoken of.

For real though, I know so many of us are uncomfortable with these discussions. I mean, we live in a society that is so free about sexuality, so we are tempted to do the total opposite by not talking about it at all. But let’s remember, God made sexual intimacy a beautiful part of His marriage covenant. Enjoying sex is not something that’s dirty and the subject of sex is not sinful to talk about in the right context. If we want to be real and raise the next generation to honor sex in the way God created it, we’re going to have to demonstrate and talk about it’s importance in on our own marriages and communicate God’s message on the matter. If we don’t, then Satan’s corruption of sex will not only continue to infiltrate today’s society and marriages, but also future generations to come.

So, get to work you married couples, and learn to be exhilarated always with each other’s love.

Thank you, Father, for the blessing of enjoying sexual intimacy in marriage. I rejoice in the beauty for which You made this expression of two becoming one. Help my spouse and I do whatever we need to find satisfaction in each other’s arms. May we be the example of what it truly means to always be exhilarated with each other’s love, and teach others about the specialness for which You created sexual intimacy. Amen.

Truth in love,

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