The Rage Within Me

It comes on so sudden. It comes out so sudden. The rage within me.

I’m enraged with nothing to be enraged about. Where does this come from? What is wrong with me? This is not me, but it is me.

The burst of anger comes out without warning. I release its fury only to see the hurt and fear in the face of its victim. Who’s the receiver of the wrath this time…my husband, my son, or my daughter? 

I feel hate towards myself for what I’ve done, misery because of the shame, and confusion of the reason why it happened.

Deep within me the words whisper faintly, “This is not who you are. Remember, love, joy, and peace.”

With these words I visualize hugs, smiles, dancing, and a calm woman who knows she’s safe.

I pray. Forgive me, God, and teach me to be this woman.

The fury happens again and again. I see what I’m doing in the moment but don’t stop. Why, oh, why won’t I stop?

Time and time again….I feel….the words whisper….I visualize….I pray.

A breakthrough starts occuring. I start recognizing the nerve and muscle sensations that trigger these episodes. They can be very quick and sneaky, but they are there.

The sensation comes on. I’m ready to explode but I capture it, run to my room, bury my face in the pillow, let out the screams, and cry in agony as I fight to protect my child from what was about to be unleashed.

I feel out of control, like a crazy monster who has nothing good within herself.

Deep within me the words speak clearly, “This is not who you are. Remember, patience, kindness, and goodness.”

With these words I visualize a mother calmly helping her children through their mistakes with an encouraging hand that so tenderly embraces theirs.

I pray. Forgive me, God, and teach me to be this mother.

The explosiveness comes on again and again. I am dying trying to contain it and sometimes I don’t. Why won’t this go away when I want it to so bad?

Time and time again….I feel….the words speak….I visualize….I pray.

Another breakthrough occurs. The sensations come on with less speed and less intensity. The phrase “it’s not worth it” helps me to release the tension. Resistance is becoming more frequent.

There it is again. I am irritated, annoyed, and frustrated. I have been doing well at not giving in. I hear the words “it’s not worth it” in my mind, but this time I won’t listen. I am tired of the fight and release the madness on my husband standing in front of me. It’s about me right now, and it feels so good to let out this frustration until I realize the words that I have said and the pain that I have caused.

I feel like a failure as a Christian, so mean, and self-indulgent.

Deep within me the words scream loudly, “This is not who you are. Remember, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

With these words I visualize a wife calmly looking into her husband’s eyes, wanting to be everything God has asked her to be for him.

I pray. Forgive me, God, and teach me to be this wife.

Irritation and annoyance comes on again and again. I don’t give in much, but the fight can be so exhausting that sometimes I do. Will this ever go away?

Time and time again….I feel….the words scream….I visualize….I pray.

A big breakthrough occurs. Before I begin to pray each day, I sit still, slowly breathing in and out, paying attention to the sensations in my body, and learn how to mentally manipulate the nerves and muscles to a calmer state.  I also intentionally focus on all the words that have been ingrained deep within me, see the visions over and over in my mind, and pray for them to become who I am. The sensations are now becoming small impulses that flow through me and dissolve away without much effect.

There’s the impulse. I capture it, think “it’s not worth it,” smile, and calmly release it away from myself and away from those I love sitting before me at the table. VICTORY!

I feel love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Deep within me the words shout joyfully, “This is who you are! Now teach others to remember.”

With these words I see all my visions become a reality. I am the woman, the mother, and the wife.

I pray. Praise You, God, for teaching me to walk in the fruit of the Spirit.

The victory happens again and again. Though not completely perfect, it’s now a natural part of who I am. I wanted it to go away, I wanted it so bad, and now the Spirit has overtaken the rage within me because I fought with His fruit.

The greatest breakthrough is occuring. The results of years diligently seeking to walk by the Spirit are now becoming more and more evident.

It comes on so sudden. It comes out so sudden. The fruit of the Spirit within me.

Galatians 5:22-23

My Lord, how excellent are Your words given to us by the Holy Spirit in scripture! I meditate on them daily so as to implant them deep within my heart with confidence that these words speak to me when I most need them. I know this is the Spirit dwelling within me, and that the only reason I am ever able to overcome anything is because I diligently seek to walk by His fruit. Thank You for all the avenues You have given me to fight my battles and the victories that have resulted. I know I’m not perfect, and that is why I ask You to continue to forgive me when I stray in my walk. In Christ, who died for the grace for my deliverance, Amen.

Truth in love,

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